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Incoming Chickenhead Transmission:

Greetings again children, I am once again coming to you from my underground bunker (which is now coated in tinfoil for better roasting).

Unless you are continuing to live with your head up  your ass, you have undoubtadly heard about Obama/Bush’s dirty little secret, otherwise known as PRISM.  What’s PRISM?  Basically it’s the anal probe in every aspect of your communications without any reach-around or “Hello Sailor.”

Basically, the NSA has just proved that every paranoid movie like “Enemy of the State” and fuck, even “The Net” is actually pretty close to the mark;  they ARE tapping everything, they ARE listening to everything.  And the fascist corporations are going right along with it willingly.

When the original NSA slides were leaked by the Guardian UK, they held one slide back.  They gave Facefuck, GOOG, Crapple and every other shitfucker corporation plenty of time to come out and deny everything.  And then they released the last NSA slide that basically said “WE HAVE DIRECT ACCESS TO ALL OF GOOGLE/FACEBOOK/ETC SERVERS.”  So fuck you Larry Page, fuck you Zuckerfuck you lying little cocksucker, and choke on cock Microsoft.  You’ve been caught with your pants at half-mast.

This isn’t the first time Microsoft has been caught.  Back in the late 90′s the shitheads at Microsoft sent out a development version of WindowsNT that had all the debugging symbols in it.  One wily security researcher discovered that one of the symbols was called NSAKEY, meaning that every fucking version of WindowsNT from Win2000 onwards has had a great big anal speculum left in it for the NS-fuck-you-A.  No lube needed, Microsoft gave them the keys to the back door.  Fuck you again, Microshit.

And so….using 9/11 as a pretext, GW Bush started a spying program that George W. Obama enthusiastically encouraged and finished.  Oh wow, change I can believe in!   And look at all the Demorats like Dianne Feinstein, rushing out to defend the gigantic domestic spy operation!  And even Repubs like Peter King are baying for the blood of the erstwhile whistleblower.  Hey maybe that Nader guy was right…there’s no difference at all between these two parties.  They’ve all got the same puppetmaster’s hand JAMMED UP THEIR ASSES.

Oh but that’s not enough…desperate to scream “MEEEH TOOOH” at the top of their lungs, the occupying government of Canada started the same domestic spy program right here in Soviet Cuntadastan, all courtesy of Peter “Oathbreaker” MacKay.

And there you go, children.  Your communications are NOT private or safe.  Looks like George Orwell won the bet with Huxley…we’re closer to 1984 than Brave New World.

And a word to all you craven cocksuckers out there parroting “Well I don’t mind…if you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to worry about.”  People like you will be the first marched to the camps when the time comes, you enabling cowardly little shitheads.  I don’t care WHAT my message is…it could be a recipe for Grandma Hotbeef’s Liquor Flavoured Hash Brownies…it’s none of the god damned government’s business.

So what do we do about it?   Well the orifice into your brain starts and finishes with the corporations who have willingly given Big Brother the skeleton key.  And that’s one way around it:  boycott and do not use the “services” of any of these companies.   Get the fuck off Google.  Stop using GMail.  Turn your fucking Xboxes off.  FIND ALTERNATIVES.

And that will be the subject of an upcoming series of articles I will post.  I call it “Project Mulder:  Trust No One.”  In the upcoming series of articles I will show you functional replacements for Google, Microsoft, FACEFUCKERBERG, Yahoo (who the fuck uses yahoo?) and all the others.  So stay tuned.

But you can skip all that with alternative #2:  Just get the fuck off the network.  All networks.  Every network.  Ditch your phone, cut the internet cable and re-think your life.

Late in his life, the great thinker Marshall McLuhan turned against his former beliefs in a “global village” being enabled by the rise of electronic communications.  As seen through his deep Catholic beliefs, he saw the rising electronic network around the world as “The Body of the Antichrist.”  Now your Chicken-headed host is an avowed atheist but it’s hard to deny that the aging McLuhan was absolutely correct…our world-webbed-shitternet is the ideal “body”…and the government has given it a “head.”   Think on that, shitheads.

End Transmission, FUCK YOU NSA.

INCOMING CHICKENHEAD TRANSMISSION:

I SEND YOU GREETINGS CHILDREN, from the underground bunker beneath the venerable Chicken Farm.  And I give you ONE FUCKING WORD:  BILDERBERG.

Say it LOUD.  Say it STRONG.  Say it OFTEN.  This is the one word that will get you blocked, censored and banned from any Lamestream Media web site.

Why you ask?  Because the Lamestream Media are a parliament of cocksucking whores who have been complicit in a coverup bigger than Kennedy.

But first, let’s set the wayback machine to 1992.  That was the year that Yours Truly first got his grubby chicken claws onto the Shitternet.   And from the Shitternet I spent most of my time on USENET, that once-great message board that singlehandedly murdered Fidonet.

USENET was full of everything you could imagine back then…wit, humour, porn, conversation, flames, aliens and conspiracies.   And there it was, nestled amongst the Kennedy Assassination and the Face on Mars:  a strange word called BILDERBERG.

See back in 1992, there was this wild and crazy conspiracy theory about a group calling themselves Bilderberg:  it was made up of the elites of the world…millionaires, kings, queens, politicians and even journalists.  They would meet in secret, at a different place each year, to talk without cameras, the media, or any accountability.  That’s right, the elites would meet and talk without YOU OR I being privy to the conversation.

It was nuts.  And it was just another one of those conspiracy theories that used to float around the internet in those days.

Until 1995.  That’s when Bilderberg decided to hold their annual meeting in King City, Ontario.  Right in my virtual back yard.   That was the first “what the cunt?” moment when drooling internet conspiracy became real.

And so it was in 1995:  Queen Bea-fucking-trix showed up in secret, along with the Pretzeldunce of the United States, the Prime Minister of Cuntada, various premiers of the provinces, leaders, rich people like Bill Gates….all in secret.  Even the Mayor of King City was angry that this was going on and he was being kept in the dark…imagine that, if you were the mayor of Buttfuck Ontario and couldn’t cash in on the political Mount Olympus of the year being set up in your own town.

But there was one chink in the armour in 1995:  a locally-owned station out of Toronto, CityTV, sent Kevin Frankish at 5am to King City all by himself with a camera to see if the Bilderberg rumour was true.  I watched it on TV as Frankish, looking very surprised, announced that it WAS true and that security had turned him away.

This was the ONLY media outlet to say the “B” word.  And that was the only time, I guess CityTV got the memo.  Not a single peep was heard out of the media after that.

The only reason I bring it up now is because the conspiracy of silence is still very much in effect.  I like to bait trolls and fucktards on the local news websites, see….today, someone actually mentioned the “B” word.  I responded to it.  Within minutes, both posts had been utterly deleted (I had even remarked in my post that the “B” word is not allowed to be uttered…and sure enough, it wasn’t.).  And yet my other posts were untouched.

So there you have it, children.  Conspiracies DO exist, and the god damned fucking media is STILL trying to pretend that the annual Bilderberg meeting doesn’t exist.  But I assure you it does.  The truth is out there, and it will make you fucking angry when you know it.

So I’m rallying you right now….go forth to every forum you haunt.  I don’t care if it’s about gigantic asses and animal porn…just get out there and start saying BILDERBERG over and over again.   Get the fucking word OUT there.

Oh and fuck everyone who participates in Bilderberg.  You fucking democratically elected public servants have NO FUCKING BUSINESS creeping off under cover of media darkness to talk about how you’re going to fuck MY life up in secret.

END FUCKING TRANSMISSION.

Incoming Chickenhead Transmission:

Yes my children it has been quite a long time since my last contact with you; this is because It Is The Spring and There Is Time For…everything going fucking wrong.

You see, given that this last winter was Nature telling Al Gore to sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up, the Chicken Farm has had to deal with failing sump pumps in the middle of February, a fucking April ice storm that knocked out the power for four days straight, and the latest bit of fun, a septic system that decided it was time to roll over and die.

Now anyone who lives in the sticks will tell you that when the shitter’s full, you do like Cousin Eddy and pump it into the nearest sewer.  But not in this case, the problem was a bit more fundamental and that starts the dollar signs floating around Chickenhead’s head just like Tom getting hit over the head by Jerry.  Feels about as good, too.

But you see, shit happens.  And sometimes you actually do need to call in an expert to fix it.  Or so you’d think.

No, I’m not going to sit here and rant about Drone Lord Obama, Wall Street, the banks, the 1% or mega-corporations.  No, this rant has a much smaller target:  That’s right you motherfucking “small” businesses, this note’s for you.

WHY IS IT that everytime I have to reach out of my area of expertise and call someone to fix something…anything, even a leaking pipe…I get hit with a $500 or larger bill?

I’m fucking serious here.  It seems like every small business I talk to is TRYING TO RIP ME OFF.  EVERY FUCKING ONE OF THEM.  Even the sump pump guy charged me over $500 (a mistake I won’t make again…it’s basic-level plumbing, not rocket science).  WHAT, WAS THE FUCKING PUMP MADE OUT OF GOLD?

But no, the septic assholes take the fucking shit-cake.  Not content to try and fuck me for a $600 bill that included a $300 “technical evaluation” (which basically had some loser walk around and say “uhhhh ohhhhh…this is not gooood…”), their recommendation to me was basically to try to get the all-time high score of anal probings of my wallet.

These assholes, without having lifted so much as a septic lid, tried to tell me that my whole system  had packed it in, and that I needed to install a $30-fucking-god-damned-thousand dollar septic system to replace it, complete with some kind of fucking “water treatment plant” that, in their words would require “yearly service” and needs to be continuously powered?

Come again negro?

Now, maybe this kind of horse shit works on city dwellers, but I get too pissed off too easily to just take some motherfucker’s word for it…especially if that motherfucker didn’t do a god damned thing to actually LOOK at my system.

So going on a recommendation from someone I actually found someone who knew what the fuck he was talking about.   A real grown-up with real experience.  In 15 minutes he figured out what was wrong AND located the septic bed using just a metal pole…the other assholes wanted to charge me ANOTHER $900 to dig up my fucking front yard to find the bed.

But that’s not the point.  The point is, WHY IS EVERY SMALL BUSINESS TRYING TO RIP ME THE FUCK OFF AT EVERY TURN?  You know, I know the fucking economy is bad.  I know that the politician assholes are more interested in bombing brown people and funnelling billions to Shitreal than actually caring about the citizens of this country.  BUT DON’T TAKE IT OUT ON MY FUCKING WALLET YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES.

Fester said it best…why the fuck do we all have to be experts on EVERYTHING just to keep from getting ripped off?   Seriously…I hope the whole economy falls taking EVERYTHING with it, small businesses included.

Fuck off and die.  End fucking transmission.

Incoming Chickenhead Transmission:

Ok this is sure to attract the attention of the mighty Viking but it has to be said.

At one time I thought it might be interesting to get into the HAM hobby.  Way back in 1994 I read a great article in the equally great PHRACK magazine about AX.25, the HAM radio packet switched network.  I thought “cool, a wireless network.”  This was back in the salad-fucking years of the Internet, long before the god damned web.

But there were problems.  AX.25 was hobbled by stupidity..no encryption…no SWEARING?  Really?  Why?

It was a long time before I seriously considered getting into HAM radio.  It was probably around the time that Hotbeef and I started talking about BBS systems.  Or maybe it was just a desire to get into something that wasn’t totally reliant upon the god damn Internet.

So I got the book.  I tried to study it.  It’s not rocket science, this radio shit.  But that was never the issue:  oh fuck no.  The real problem with HAM radio is the FAT OLD FUCKING ASSHOLES who populate the radio waves.

See, HAM radio is like this:  it’s full of bleeding sycophants who are ready to lick the balls of the FCC at the slightest provocation.  They know that their entire “hobby” hangs by a shoe string…don’t think for a minute that every corporation on the planet doesn’t want to take full control of the spectrum at any moment.  So the HAM shitheads are basically the “neighbourhood watch” of the FCC.  A bunch of fucking OLD (and I stress…OLD) fart control freaks who hate anyone that doesn’t want to learn antiquated and outdated Morse Code and who doesn’t live, breathe and fart FCC-defined dogma.

You can count on HAMs to rat out anyone who doesn’t follow THE RULES (TM).  You can count on HAMs to interpret their bullshit “license” as a god-given right to put a lightbar on their shitbox SUV and use stick-on letters to write “RESPONSE VEHICLE” on the side, and then run off into a hurricane to interfere with REAL emergency response people.

You see, I studied the HAM art by studying the fucking people.  And the people STINK, quite literally.  They are OLD…overweight and pathetic.  And they inflate their self-importance by forming stupid vigilante groups of “emergency response SWAT teams.”

I’ve been to the great and mighty HAMFEST in Dayton Ohio.  I’ve never seen a more sad representative of the human race, right down to the shithead who was selling ceramic Klansmen figurines.  I still have nightmares about “The Rhythm of the Code,” a really bad rap song based on Morse fucking code.  Fuck Dayton, and fuck you fat asshole HAMS.

During the great power outage of last week, without the interference of the geothermal gizmo in the basement, I actually managed to pull in a pirate radio station on 6940.  Again, here’s a pathetic group I’ll leave for another rant but at the very least, they weren’t playing connect the dots with the FCC’s bullshit pro-corporate Big Brother.  And you can fucking bet that some shithead HAM was out there doing his best to narc on the pirate too.  Can’t have “unauthorized” broadcasts, can we?  We’re LICENSED!  We have the right to uh…call the FCC on anyone who doesn’t know Morse Code.

You see children, back in 1994 I was absolutely correct:  the real future of communication IS over the air.  It’s not this shitternet thing, a spaghetti of wires and fibres that any asshole with a boat anchor can disrupt.  The ONLY reason the FCC was created was to shut DOWN individual voices and hand the airwaves over to corporations.  HAMS?   They are tolerated, like a low grade cockroach infestation.  As long as they play the role of “Radio Neighbourhood Watch,” they provide a small service to the Big Brother of the FCC.  But don’t get me wrong you HAM assholes:  you are expendable.   At some point some corporation is going to want your frequencies, and then all your whinging about Morse Code and people not following The Rules won’t amount to a squirt of piss…you’ll be gone.  Hell, you’re 90% of the way there already…the FCC is just waiting for the Old Fart Brigade to die out.

And you so-called pirates…well, let’s save that for another rant.

End fucking transmission, and fuck both the FCC and the HAM douchebags.

Incoming Chickenhead Transmission:

Greetings from the land of no hydro.  Yes, I am still without power and the lazy fuckers at the hydro company tell me it will be off until tomorrow at 11pm.  Yeah maybe that’s not fair of me with half the province off-lined, but I just saw four of the fuckers up the road sitting around doing jack shit.  How about fixing the god damn power, guys?

Nevermind.  I am completely off the grid now.  What isn’t running off kerosene, battery or hand-crank is being powered by my Brigs and Stratton out in the driveway. And now that I have hotwired the water pump to the generator I now have fresh water again.  And heat is courtesy of the Pacific Energy wood burning stove.

Fortunately I am well stocked in gin, absinthe and wine so I really don’t need much.  I could get used to this living off grid thing.

The only shitternet I have is through my cell data so I don’t have any of the goodies but so what…my Sangean picks up everything from shortwave through longwave to AM and FM, and it is fucking quiet. Except for the comforting hum of the Brigs that is.

So bring on the Pocyclipse, I’m almost ready.  I just need a few more shotguns.

Incoming Chickenhead Transmission:

Yes children I am broadcasting to you LIVE on generator power from the great ice storm of 2013.  Power’s out, has been out since 3am and won’t be back till 6pm tomorrow thanks to some trees taking out the major hydro lines around here.

As I look around at the ice encrusted trees, listening to the heartening CRASH of 200 year old branches crashing to the forest floor and the ever-present hum of the generator out front that at least is keeping the sump and shitter running, all I can say is:

GLOBAL WARMING?  FUCK YOU AL GORE.

Seriously.  And just you watch, some fucking climate cultist will be on the air before the ice has melted to tell us that “ice storms are caused by global warming.”

FUCK YOU.  FUCK YOUR GLOBAL WARMING, ASSHOLE.  IT’S NOT HAPPENING.

End Transmission (before I have to go out and gas up the generator again).

GET OFF THE FLOOR YOU STUPID ASSHOLE YOUR GOD AND YOUR BULLSHIT SAVIOUR DO NOT EXIST. END FUCKING TRANSMISSION.