Incoming Chickenhead Transmission:
Ok this is sure to attract the attention of the mighty Viking but it has to be said.
At one time I thought it might be interesting to get into the HAM hobby. Way back in 1994 I read a great article in the equally great PHRACK magazine about AX.25, the HAM radio packet switched network. I thought “cool, a wireless network.” This was back in the salad-fucking years of the Internet, long before the god damned web.
But there were problems. AX.25 was hobbled by stupidity..no encryption…no SWEARING? Really? Why?
It was a long time before I seriously considered getting into HAM radio. It was probably around the time that Hotbeef and I started talking about BBS systems. Or maybe it was just a desire to get into something that wasn’t totally reliant upon the god damn Internet.
So I got the book. I tried to study it. It’s not rocket science, this radio shit. But that was never the issue: oh fuck no. The real problem with HAM radio is the FAT OLD FUCKING ASSHOLES who populate the radio waves.
See, HAM radio is like this: it’s full of bleeding sycophants who are ready to lick the balls of the FCC at the slightest provocation. They know that their entire “hobby” hangs by a shoe string…don’t think for a minute that every corporation on the planet doesn’t want to take full control of the spectrum at any moment. So the HAM shitheads are basically the “neighbourhood watch” of the FCC. A bunch of fucking OLD (and I stress…OLD) fart control freaks who hate anyone that doesn’t want to learn antiquated and outdated Morse Code and who doesn’t live, breathe and fart FCC-defined dogma.
You can count on HAMs to rat out anyone who doesn’t follow THE RULES (TM). You can count on HAMs to interpret their bullshit “license” as a god-given right to put a lightbar on their shitbox SUV and use stick-on letters to write “RESPONSE VEHICLE” on the side, and then run off into a hurricane to interfere with REAL emergency response people.
You see, I studied the HAM art by studying the fucking people. And the people STINK, quite literally. They are OLD…overweight and pathetic. And they inflate their self-importance by forming stupid vigilante groups of “emergency response SWAT teams.”
I’ve been to the great and mighty HAMFEST in Dayton Ohio. I’ve never seen a more sad representative of the human race, right down to the shithead who was selling ceramic Klansmen figurines. I still have nightmares about “The Rhythm of the Code,” a really bad rap song based on Morse fucking code. Fuck Dayton, and fuck you fat asshole HAMS.
During the great power outage of last week, without the interference of the geothermal gizmo in the basement, I actually managed to pull in a pirate radio station on 6940. Again, here’s a pathetic group I’ll leave for another rant but at the very least, they weren’t playing connect the dots with the FCC’s bullshit pro-corporate Big Brother. And you can fucking bet that some shithead HAM was out there doing his best to narc on the pirate too. Can’t have “unauthorized” broadcasts, can we? We’re LICENSED! We have the right to uh…call the FCC on anyone who doesn’t know Morse Code.
You see children, back in 1994 I was absolutely correct: the real future of communication IS over the air. It’s not this shitternet thing, a spaghetti of wires and fibres that any asshole with a boat anchor can disrupt. The ONLY reason the FCC was created was to shut DOWN individual voices and hand the airwaves over to corporations. HAMS? They are tolerated, like a low grade cockroach infestation. As long as they play the role of “Radio Neighbourhood Watch,” they provide a small service to the Big Brother of the FCC. But don’t get me wrong you HAM assholes: you are expendable. At some point some corporation is going to want your frequencies, and then all your whinging about Morse Code and people not following The Rules won’t amount to a squirt of piss…you’ll be gone. Hell, you’re 90% of the way there already…the FCC is just waiting for the Old Fart Brigade to die out.
And you so-called pirates…well, let’s save that for another rant.
End fucking transmission, and fuck both the FCC and the HAM douchebags.