Soooooo, I come to you now (did you see what I just did there? lol) I come to you now with an interesting review. This is PACHUCA here your lovely hot piece of latina sexyness… and ok, so usually I make B-movie reviews. This time around I thought I’d do something a little different. Here we have a game review I would like to do about a particular game I NEVER even knew existed. Now, I’m a child of the 80′s so for this one to have passed me by is ….I don’t know, all KINDSA wrong!
Apparently, we have a porn game that was release for Atari 2600 that consisted of sex, arrows, a cowboy (general custer I suppose) and our sexy hot little indian girl. Whats fun about this game is the graphics. Back in the day of pixels, which have widely become quite popular in the hipster youth of today actually and is making a striking comeback, we couldn’t get past the fact that technology wasn’t as advanced as it is today so all and every video game was sadly blocks of color that moved cartoonishly across the screen. But we didn’t care about “looks” back then, we thought we were cool if we had a blocked version of pacman floating up and down the fucking maze looking either left or right, chomping on lines and all that jazz.
We were just happy to have it, we didn’t care what it looked like. All we were concerned about was that we didn’t have to shove quarters into a SLOT… wait, did i say slut or slot? I’ve lost my train of thought with pointless talk of pacman, but you get the idea. GRAPHICS WERE BAD, and we could care less. So therefore, why not have a game that depicted gettin it on for the teenagers who got no action but wanted to virtually pretend they were than with a porngame of fucking…. so lets take a look at this controversial and strangely unheard of gem…
Now as you can see there are no clothes here! Everybody’s naked and READY to get it on! If only the arrows would stop flying from the sky our hero could bust a nut without having to keep running back and forth like a psycho on ecstacy listening to rave techno dubstep!
Gameplay: as you travel to the left hand side of the screen you try to avoid falling arrows from hitting your cowboy hat, cos we all know cowboy hats are special if you live in Texas like I do and well, it may be made of fancy rattler skins or ….no wait, im thinking of the boots. AWWW FUCK IT, you have to avoid the arrows. Then when you finally arrive to the big BUSTED indian beauty, well that’s where the big payoff happens and you get to bang away at her. Instantly her legs fly up horizontally and contrary to popular belief of this being a controversial ‘rape’ game, I personally think the slut wants it. ITS A ROLEPLAY DAMMIT! I don’t understand why adults act as if they have no sense of humor, fun, creative sexgames are all about that, in my mind anyway, its not about forceful entry into a womans vahooolie, ITS ROLE PLAY and they both wanna get it on they just want the arrows to stop!
There’s an upside to the gameplay, but it’s also a downside… after our hero gets a few good thrusts in (which a counter below keeps track of the penetration count) our wacky hero gets a boost of energy, a shot of NOS if you will
its almost as if he’s injected with cocaine immediately after and he runs faster across the screen, but so do the arrows fall faster from the sky. So just like in real life, you gotta work for your pleasure.
Oh well, no one ever said it wasn’t a challenge. Either way I guess the company Mystique that released the game went out of business sold the rights of the game to another company that changed the name of the game to WESTWARD HO and later GENERAL RETREAT. A few modifications were made to the sexy indian tramp, she was colored a darker shade and made ‘come hither’ motions with her arm to give encouragement to our hero to NOT GIVE UP!
I really don’t understand the controversy, I guess EVERYONE gets offended no matter what is marketed out there so its bound to happen that the game and the companies involved were going to get sued and into legal fuss over a really cute game. I guess its the way of the world since most of it is run by old prudes.
So needless to say, but I’ll say it anyway, the game’s indian ho made the top 10 list of ‘most disturbing sexual game characters’ (I would like to see who else made that list XD) in 2008 and ‘most racist videogame in history’ of 2010. Oh, and General Custer made the ‘most unsexy videogame character of all time’ in 2012. WOW! Our hero just can’t get a break.
I would like to give this game 6 out of 7 dildos of a try for being a short-lived sex fantasy out there for unloved nerds at the time who’s only action was a game of Dungeons and Dragons, a pornomag and a bag of cheetos.
If you want to request I review anything else, please drop me a line and when I have the fucking time I will do so…. now I gotta go warm up for my pole dancing competition coming up next month, this time I will NOT lose to a Korean beauty who sets her routine to Gangdam Style, ughhhhhh that song is soooo overplayed by now…